I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize