Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
