If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
