College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
