So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
