I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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