Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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