I need help removing her.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
