I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
