I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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