My Higher Power is John Stamos
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
