rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
