You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
