I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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