i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
