I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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