And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
