counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
