I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
