I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
