my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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