i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
