The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
