What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
