I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
