we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
