you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize