I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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