benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
