She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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