I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
