How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
