fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
