I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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