im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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