Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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