Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
