Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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