i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
