I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
