The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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