I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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