im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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