There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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