Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm passing your future prison.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
