I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There are leaves in my underwear?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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