you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize