It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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