When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
