I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
