Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We left the knife in your bed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
