apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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