I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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