Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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