How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
