I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
