I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
