College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
