just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
